Last week. I can’t believe I have less than five full days left here. I keep telling God, “Hang on! Rewind! You still have so much more to teach me. I still have so much more growing and learning to do.” I don’t feel ready to go back. This place is my home…I feel like God has buried a piece of my heart here and a part of me will always stay in Cambodia. But I just feel Him telling me over and over to be at peace; this isn’t the end of my journey in Cambodia…it’s the beginning of seeing how what He’s done in my heart here will change the rest of my life.
This past weekend, one of the kids told me he wanted to go with me to church. I can’t tell you how excited I was. But I was faced with that much disappointment when one of the staff members told me it wasn’t a good idea and the director wouldn’t let me. I’m just trusting in God…it’s an open door, it hasn’t been closed. One of the staff members actually ended up coming to church with me yesterday. He found out there’s music classes at the church and he’s thinking about going back to the church to learn how to play the guitar. Pray, beloved brothers and sisters, pray for him! I’m so excited for what God is starting to do here!
“S” is doing well, a lot better this week. The Lord is using her to continue to reveal to me my own areas of weakness and impatience where I need to rely on His Holy Spirit to know how to work with her. I’m going to miss her so much. Please pray that the Holy Spirit would help me make the most of every last moment I have with her. I’m trying to do that with every last moment I have here in general. I know the Lord is preparing me to go back home, and while I’m there, feel my heart long for Cambodia.
This past Sunday, I had the opportunity to visit a province about two hours outside of Phnom Penh called Takeo. It was my first time being in a village in Cambodia, as I’ve spent all my time here in the cities, and it was amazing. It was actually one of the housemoms who works at the shelter who asked me to go with her to visit her family, and I was so honored that she wanted me to go to her home and get a glimpse of her life outside of the shelter. We visited the local market and she showed me around the village. Her family has ducks, chickens, cows, and dogs. I actually got to watch them kill and pluck the chicken that we later ate for lunch. After lunch, everyone takes naps and I was awakened from my nap by one of the cows who was trying to give me a great big kiss. Lovely. The bottom floor of the house was dirt, with walls covered by tarps. There were these two wood platforms where they sat to eat and slept on. It was so much fun to watch the housemom with her siblings, and it made me really miss my family. I was so blessed by my time there. “S” has been acting out again. I’m not sure what’s going on with her, but she’s been having more behavioral problems in the past couple of days. I’m praying a lot for her. Today in our class together, she didn’t want to study. She sat for over half an hour throwing a tantrum, so I was about to send her to her room. She told me, “I don’t love you.” I said back to her, “That’s okay, [S]. You don’t have to love me. But I love you and I promise that I will always love you.” I told her I’m sorry if I made her sad, and she told me she was sad all the time. I said that I used to be sad all the time too, but God made me happy and He can make her happy as well. I told her God loves her and I love her. She cried and gave me a hug. Maybe God will do miracles in my last two weeks here. Or maybe all I can do is love this precious girl as much as I can and ask my Abba to love her in the ways that I can’t. Please keep praying for “S.” Also pray for the rest of my time here…less than two weeks!
Wow, time is flying by…I can’t believe it’s already been a week since my last blog and that I have less than three weeks left here! The past week was pretty normal…I did my usual teaching and I still love it. This week I’ve been teaching the housemoms about music, showing them the different instruments. I realized that it was their first time seeing an orchestra (on youtube, gotta love it!) and they were absolutely enthralled…when I asked them if they wanted me to stop and show them a different instrument, they said no and wanted to finish watching Itzhak Perlman and Yo Yo Ma. They liked the string instruments better than the wind instruments, as they should…haha! Just kidding…but it’s seriously so wonderful for me to teach them a little bit about my passions and my loves. “S” is doing really well…she’s still got a couple of behavior issues but we’re working out a rewards system and we’ll see how she does this week. In my class, she’s showing a ton of progress…she read an entire book in English today.
This past Saturday, we took the kids to a waterpark and it was epic…SO much fun. And quite dangerous as there are no safety regulations for Cambodian waterparks. Everyone had a great time…we packed a picnic and I got a pretty bad sunburn. Totally worth it.
I’ve been praying a lot for the kids and asking God to help me be more open with my faith. This isn’t a Christian organization so I’ve been hesitant to talk to the kids about Jesus. But the Lord has been answering my prayers and in the past week, a bunch of the kids have asked me about my faith. Most of them are opposed to it; they just tell me they don’t like Jesus and they don’t like Christians. They ask me why I’m a Christian and I tell them, “Because Jesus loves me and He saved me. He loves you too.” When I was tutoring one of the girls, she asked me if we could read a book and she actually picked one that was about the Christmas story. She read it and I told her about Jesus. I don’t know what the Lord is going to do with these little seeds I plant or if they’re even taking root, but I’m going to keep sharing about Jesus and keep telling the kids how much He loves them and pray that God would work miracles. I feel like the more I share about my Father, the more I’m falling in love with Him.
Please pray that the kids would see the love of God and that He would keep me faithful. He is so good.
Yesterday, I went with two of my coworkers to Stung Meanchey. This is where most of the kids at the shelter call home. I was in shock as we drove through the dirt roads with potholes big enough to bury a small animal and arrived at the city garbage heap, with trash piled over thirty feet high and going on for over a mile, as far as the eye could see. It was huge and the smell was overwhelming. The “houses” to the side of the dump where most of the kids live were little more than shacks, most with tin or wood roofs built over the mud floor or with a wood floor directly over piles of garbage. Some didn’t even have walls; they simply had a tarp attached to the roof and hanging down from the sides. The muddy pathways between the houses were paved with trash. As we drove up, we were greeted by a gang of naked little kids having the absolute time of their lives in the pouring rain. It was one of their few chances to have a real shower. Some of them were taking advantage of the mud instead, rolling around in it until they were completely covered in sewage. They eagerly tried to talk to us, wanting to practice the English they knew. I asked one of the girls how old she was, and she told me thirteen. This broke my heart because malnourishment had left her looking no older than seven or eight. As many as three generations were living all together in one of these shacks. I prayed as I walked through the village, visiting the families of the students. God is there, God is there…Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. I fought against the feelings of shame at how I had grown up and the life of selfishness and materialism I’ve lived. God’s given me what He’s given me, and I pray that the time I spent at Stung Meanchey would forever remind me how to be a good steward of what I’ve been blessed with. I can’t describe the hope I feel, and I don’t understand it…God is a good God. Even as we were driving some of the kids back to the shelter after their weekend back home, they were singing and laughing. They know how great the opportunity they’ve been blessed with is, and they want to work hard and use what they’ve been given to help bring their families to a better life. Redemption…praise and glory be to God. Please pray for these families, the people living at Stung Meanchey. And please continue to pray for the children at the shelter.
Yesterday, I went with my friend Annie to Family of Hope, the organization she works at. It’s Christian, and it was interesting to see the differences that come with a faith-based organization. We made salvation bracelets with the kids and they showed me their rendition of the Lifehouse “Everything” skit. If you haven’t seen this, look it up on youtube…I cry every time I watch it. I had the opportunity to work with the kids on the skit, and it was wonderful. When they did another run-through, they said it was the best they had ever done. Glory be to God, because Lord knows I’m not a very good actress or dancer. The leader asked me to go back today for their fellowship dinner and share my testimony. I’m blessed and excited to do so, but I’m also trying to be discerning. Annie told me the leader needed more volunteers and was going to try to recruit me. I know that God placed me in Cambodia to help out at the shelter I’m at and I don’t want to take away from that.
“S” had an interesting day yesterday. She wasn’t paying attention to me at all as I tried to teach her, even telling me she wasn’t listening when I asked. I finally gave up and told her to write lines: “I will listen to the teacher” over and over. I told her I wanted to help her and I wanted her to learn but I couldn’t do that unless she tried and worked hard and listened to me. She started crying and I felt awful. I prayed while she wrote. I asked God to show me His love for her, and prayed He would help me to love her in the same way. I am ashamed to admit that I started to cry, but I think it finally made something click with “S.” She wrote her lines without any trouble and did well the rest of the lesson. Her incentive was still the weekend movie nights, but she got her work done. I don’t know what’s going to happen…I shouldn’t expect things to magically change, but I believe in a God of miracles, and I long to seen Him move in that way. So that’s what I’m praying for.
I think I was right about the whole “new beginnings” thing. I’m starting to drink in each day with an eagerness I didn’t have before. My homesickness and fear are starting to fade away as I’m praying for and embracing what the Lord has for me each day. Please pray that this would only increase and continue to grow. I want God to make the most of every second I have left in this beautiful country that He loves.
Praise God, I found a new home! I’m actually living with one of my co-workers, the one who invited me to attend her church with her. She’s living in a house with seven other people, all of whom are Christians. Right now we’re sharing a room. It’s only for a short amount of time, and I’m excited to see where God takes me from here. I feel like I’m facing a lot of new beginnings.
Lately I’ve been feeling really restless, and I can’t explain it as anything other than attack. I feel frustrated with trying to figure out how to work with “S,” searching for my purpose here and trying to accomplish something. But over and over, the Lord keeps reminding me that I’m not here to achieve anything by my own standards. He doesn’t measure me in that way…He only wants me to be faithful. And I know that it doesn’t matter where I am or what I do…all that matters is who God is calling me to love. I’ve been praying a lot for the Lord’s peace and that I would cease striving and know that He is God.
Please be praying against the spirit of fear. I constantly feel it weighing me down, and I only want to act out of trust, not out of fear. “The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?” (Psalm 27:1). I’m only just beginning to realize the greatness of God’s plans. He is so good.
Hey Everyone! It’s hard to believe that Week One is over of this part of my trip. Only five weeks left! I know that now I’m getting settled, it’s going to fly by. Yesterday I got to go to church! I hadn’t been to church in a while, since I’ve been on the move for the past month and a half. I was so happy to be in a church, I started crying during worship. The sermon was given in Khmer (the Cambodian language) but they gave us headphones that translated to English. We spent a lot of time in prayer, in worship, and in the Word. Praise God! I’m so blessed to be able to attend a church while I’m here. I’m also joining a Bible study so I’m looking forward to that too!
An update on “S”: she’s picking up on learning how to sound out words. She’s also figuring out that she can’t get away with stuff with me, so she’s learning a little more discipline as well. It’s hard to work with her, and easy to lose patience, when I’m trying to do it on my own. I always pray before I work with her, and it amazes me when I can be calm as she’s throwing a tantrum in front of me…that would totally be the Holy Spirit, because I definitely don’t have that kind of patience. Whenever I come down after our class together, the rest of the staff is always laughing at me because all they can hear is “S” screaming words as I quietly help her to sound them out.
One prayer request: I’m hoping to find a home to stay in. Right now, I’m living in a guest house. It’s cheap, but it’s pretty far from the shelter and there are a lot of men working there that make me feel uncomfortable. I’d like to be in a safe place, near to where I work, preferably with more of a homey feeling. One of the girls I’m going to church with is housesitting in a house nearby and emailed the owners to ask if I can stay with her while she’s there. This would be my ideal situation, so please pray that, God willing, it would work out! I’m so excited for this week and what God has planned for it!
Five days here and I feel like I’ve already been hear a month. I’ve settled right into everything and I absolutely love it. I’m living in a guest house for five dollars a night, a twenty minute bike ride from the shelter. Doing anything on the roads here is super risky…you’re constantly watching out for cars, motos, bikes, pedestrians, people selling stuff from their carts. People follow traffic laws depending on how they feel that day, sometimes driving in the wrong direction all the way down the road. I’m getting used to the madness and pretty soon, I hope to master the whole wrong direction thing. I’ve learned all the kids names at the shelter and have fallen in love with every single one of the. I’ve been given the special task of working with one child in particular. I’m going to call her S for the sake of identity protection. All the kids her are former garbage pickers who lived by the local dump, but S is a former street kid, which is a completely different profile. She’s only seven years old, but she grew up as the leader of her own little gang. She never had to listen to directions, be disciplined, study, follow a schedule, or anything else that comes with living at the shelter. She’s made a lot of improvements after less than a year of being here, but she’s still very difficult to work with. S doesn’t like to learn. She doesn’t like to feel behind the rest of the students so if she doesn’t understand, she gives up. When you try to get her to focus, she throws tantrums and tries to manipulate. Please pray for her, and pray for me as I’ll be spending a lot of time working with her during my time here. Please pray that God would use me to love on her and have patience with her. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to attend a church here with one of my coworkers, and I’m so excited about that! I’ve been praying for a church to attend while I’m here. Praise God!
Today, the rest of the group went home. It’s hard t believe that I’m alone in Phnom Penh. I ran into a lot of trouble with the airline company and didn’t think things would work out for me to stay. I actually didn’t figure things out until about half an hour before the group was about to leave. This whole day has been a trust walk for me. I’ve been feeling more scared and confused than I ever have in my life, but I’ve also leaned on God more than I ever have in my life. After arriving at the shelter, I took a tuk tuk (motorbike taxi) to the airline office to finalize the changes. The tuk tuk driver got lost and spent forty minutes driving in circles before we finally made it, twenty minutes before the office closed. I spent the rest of the day in search of a cheap room in a guest house, biking all around Phnom Penh before I found one. And here I am. I’m not sure what God has planned for my time here, but He’s already stretching me. Please pray against the spirit of fear. I’m not counting on or expecting anything but amazing things from God.
So, I realize that it’s been about five days since I last posted and I’m really sorry for that. We’ve been doing so much, I’ve had so little time to blog and so much to process and work through. So I have a lot of updating to do.
On Saturday we went to Tuol Sleng and the Killing Fields. Tuol Sleng, also known as S-21, was an old high school that was converted to a prison by the Khmer Rouge. It was there that almost 20,000 prisoners, including academics, doctors, teachers, students, factory workers, monks, etc., were held and tortured, being forced to give false confessions about their “crimes.” They were eventually taken to the Killing Fields, where they were brutally murdered. I can’t describe the emotions I felt as I walked through these places, stood in the rooms where blood still covers the walls and stains the ground, saw the photographs of all the prisoners, witnessed bones and clothing still sticking out of the ground, felt my spirit break in response to theirs still crying out for justice. Through it all, I could hear God speak so clearly, “I was here, beloved. I am here.” I wept, asking Him for the strength to praise Him in the midst of this. “‘No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,’ ” declares the Lord. I’m still working through what I saw, still trying to seek the God of the suffering, still trying to praise Him in this process.
Sunday was spent visiting students from an organization called Youth Resource Development Program (YRDP). These students are incredibly bright and friendly. They shared about their organization and we told them about what we’re doing and learning while on this trip. We had discussions about the importance of what we’re learning in our separate groups. They put on a beautiful cultural display through dance, and we put on our own “cultural display” by singing “Lean on Me” and having a spontaneous dance party. It was a wonderful breathing time after the heaviness of the day before.
Monday was spent visiting Hagar. This is an amazing organization. They help women and children out of human trafficking and domestic violence. This includes the children who are trafficked for labor, boys, girls and women trapped in the sex trade, and women who are being abused in their homes. Hagar also helps kids who are mentally disabled and Vietnamese people who aren’t acknowledged by the government of Cambodia. Hagar provides these women and children with counseling, education, job training, and helps them find places to work when they are ready. They are currently helping over six hundred women and children. It was so inspirational.
Tuesday morning, we visited the Cambodia Women’s Crisis Center (CWCC). They are a small Cambodian organization that helps women out of abusive homes or out of sex trafficking. They also provide skill and job training and have a small shelter for the women to live in. We spent the rest of Tuesday traveling to Shianoukville, where we’re having a time of debriefing and rest before the rest of the team heads home!
I can’t believe that this trip is almost over…just three more days! Please pray for strength as we’re finishing up…I know we’re all tired and in need of rest but also in need of time to spend talking about what’s on our hearts and minds. Praise and glory be to our Sovereign God.